Tuesday, August 15, 2017

a Hero

I grew up listening to his voice wailing through my uncle's radio casette player. I never liked the music, my ears was not meant for such emphasized volume. I was too young to ponder the meaning behind any songs. I never paid attention to anyone, not even any particular member of a band I am familiar to. I didn't even know his name. All I know, he was the 'angst-ridden screamer' of Linkin Park, my (only one beloved) uncle's favorite band.
Now, they're already gone.  Both of them.

When I heard the news, I never expected that I would feel my heart cracks. A piece of my childhood just went away.
For days, I was in denial. I refused to know more about the tragedy. I couldn't accept it. Each time I heard people talking about the tragedy, I stop my ears. Each time my eyes caught any letters forming his name, I just scroll my screen down.
I didn't know why I felt really bad. I didn't listen to his music, I didn't know anything about him yet I felt an extremely deep grief.

Just several nights after the tragedy, I typed the name of the band on my spotify's search box. I put my earphones on and shut my eyes, intended to recall the tiny delightful part of my childhood memories with my late uncle.
A verse and two, I already lost myself. It was the same voice wailing, it was the same song, but at that time, I was able to hear the pain in each of his uttered words. I was able to recognize the battle he'd been struggling to win over. I am so familiar with the painful scenes he tried to conveyed through his voice. I felt like an arrow pierced right to my heart when a word said. Words by words, then a verse finished and my heart was in no shape. Black and blue full of wounds. I just bawled my eyes out.

His demon and I are no stranger.

Just now, I finally able to accept the tragedy and willing to know about it. I read several news and articles about his leaving and how the shockwave still resonates among those who became the witness of his endless battle with the demon.

"Dear Chester Bennington, it hurts all of us to know that you saved so many lives, yet we couldn't save you..."

He is one successfull human being.
He succeeded living his life and left marks (in hearts of million).
How many human ever existed that succesfully leave marks with his existence?

Well, he was someone.
To me, he is a hero.


Saat ia mulai menulis dengan jiwanya yang begitu lembut dan bening, aku tersadar bahwa ia selalu terinspirasi darimu. Dalam setiap goresan kasar pensil kayunya, ada bayangan akan semua bagian dirimu yang tidak bisa kuabaikan apalagi kubenci. Bagian yang begitu kecil, yang membuatku terjatuh pada keseluruhanmu.

Thursday, August 10, 2017

All the confusions and hesitations like a storm ravaging the tranquility of our mind. It's so roisterous yet we are trapped in silence. Doing nothing and pretending that everything is fine. Is it in our head or is it only in mine? Are we killing each other or is it only you killing me?
---

I thought that we are not okay. Then I realize that it was only me. It's me killing myself.

Tuesday, August 1, 2017

Kering Tinta

Aku, yang sedang bersama sunyi, menggenggam penaku ditengah kegelapan malam. 
Kata-kata mengalir begitu derasnya mengotori kertas putihku dan jariku menari-nari begitu lincahnya menggoreskan jutaan makna. Aku tak mampu membendung gejolak jiwaku yang berapi-api.

Perlahan-lahan, tanganku mulai dingin kemudian gemetar. Tarian jariku melambat ketika kurasakan tiap ruasnya mulai membeku. Jantungku berdegup begitu hebatnya dalam kepanikan dan satu dua butir keringat dingin mengaliri punggungku ketika kusadari kata-kata yang kugoreskan mulai tampak tak nyata.

Aku lemah tak berdaya menatap kertas dan penaku nanar. 
Kuhentikan goresan tinta yang mengalir. Jemariku yang semula menari-nari kini dingin dan kaku. Aku terisak pilu dalam keputusasaan ketika kupandangi penaku.
Lihatlah, tinta didalamnya mulai mengering.
Aku berhenti menulis.




Wednesday, July 26, 2017

Peace

Those eyes were staring at mine.
I thought I would look away in fear.
Instead I stare still with my gaze.
I feel nothing.

Those eyes were staring at mine.
I thought I would clench my fists in anger.
Instead I found them so relaxed.
I feel nothing.

Those eyes were staring at mine.
I thought I would sicken in disgust.
Instead I stand upright not even sweating.
I feel nothing.

Then he walked away and I couldn't help but smile bitterly.
He didn't even realize he left his shadows inside me.
Staining my soul, strangling me all my life.
Still, I feel nothing.

My head was filled with thousands voices echoed,
"Why? Why? Why?"
Despite all the noises, I heard one whispers,
"You have won."

Then I felt something filled my soul with warmth.
I felt something and I recognize it.
As I came to realize that I am not familiar with hatred,
I smiled over my inhumanity.

Monday, July 10, 2017

Despite all my efforts, I am still as inhuman as I ever be.
If tears is a sign of humanity, then what does it mean to cry over my inhumanity?

Thursday, May 25, 2017

Hampirilah aku

Wahai pengembara, jika dalam perjalananmu kau temukan jalan penuh kabut tebal yang membutakan mata, duri-duri yang mengoyak kulit dan kesunyian yang membuat tuli, itu adalah jalan menujuku.

Janganlah berbalik, aku penuh kerinduan untuk dikenali.
Aku adalah ruang kosong tanpa kehangatan, di mana cahaya enggan muncul kecuali dalam absenku. Aku adalah rumah yang merindukan penghuni, di mana makhluk enggan singgah, kecuali dalam tersesat.

Singgahlah, aku sarat akan sunyi.
Nyalakanlah obormu. Buatlah perapianmu dan bunuhlah kegelapanku. Berbaringlah sejenak. Berceritalah tentang pengembaraanmu dan bunuhlah kesunyianku. Ingin kudengar keluh kesahmu, juga kutukanmu pada jalan yang penuh duri dan kabut.

Wahai pengembara, hiraukanlah bangunan-bangunan megah nan penuh gemerlap di sebrang jalan.

Hampirilah aku, yang dikutuk tajamnya kerinduan dan dinginnya kesunyian.


Saturday, May 6, 2017

Neraka dalam cermin

Malam dan kesunyiannya adalah tentramku
Tanpa janji dan kata-kata ia sanggup membuai
Ia selalu hadir menenangkan
Meredam apa-apa yang hampir menjadi isak kepedihan

Namun terkadang malam datang tak bersama sunyi
Seperti masa ini, ia menghadirkan sosok lain
Sosok yang menghalangi bayanganku dalam cermin
Ia adalah nerakaku, yang selalu memadamkan renjanaku




Saturday, April 22, 2017

Hayat Sebatang Pohon

Aku merindu kehidupan seperti milik sebatang pohon, tampak tak sarat kesukaran.

Ia tak perlu takut akan kalut.
Meski ia tak tahu ke arah mana batang dan cabang-cabang kecilnya yang rapuh harus bertumbuh.

Ia tak perlu cemas akan sesat.
Meski ia tak tahu ke arah mana ranting-rantingnya yang kaku harus diayunkan.

Sesukar-sukarnya hal yang perlu ia lakukan adalah dua; percaya dan yakin. 

Hanya kepada cahaya mentari yang menuntun lah ia perlu mempercayakan batang dan cabang-cabang rapuhnya tumbuh menyongsongnya. 

Hanya kepada angin yang membelai lah ia perlu meyakini bahwa ranting-rantingnya telah tergiring dan mengayun ke arah yang semestinya.


Wednesday, April 12, 2017

Rumah dan Jendela Tetangga

Aku tahu betapa perapian di rumah ini sudah rusak. Tapi aku bukan ahli perapian, kuabaikan ia rusak walau harus  menggigil ketika malam datang membawa angin musim dingin yang menggigit.
Aku tahu betapa ia butuh diperbaiki. Tapi aku tak ingin orang lain melangkahkan kaki ke dalam rumahku, kan kuanggap ia penginvasi sekalipun itu si ahli perapian yang bisa membuat perapianku berfungsi sebagaimana mestinya.

Aku tak pernah tahu, bagaimana sang penghuni lama rumah ini bertahan melawan hawa dingin yang menggigit setiap malamnya. Atau rumah ini tak pernah berpenghuni sebelumnya? Aku tak tahu.
Aku tak pernah tahu, apakah hilang salah satu guna sebuah rumah tanpa perapian yang bekerja. Masihkah ia dapat tersebutkan sebagai sumber kehangatan? Aku tak tahu.

Tiga hari yang lalu aku tuna wisma. Aku tak mengenal makna sebuah rumah.
Aku tersesat atau terbebas sebelum terkurung dalam dinding-dinding dan langit-langit ini. Setiap dua belas detik aku bertanya di depan cermin, "Amankah di dalam sini?" Yang jelas aku kedinginan, tubuhku menggigil dan gemeretak gigiku mengacaukan pikiran.