Thursday, December 14, 2017


When an event is beyond traumatic, there will be too much informations our brain receive. Everything seems to happen in a flash so we missed things and we lost details. The insistent information make us fail to make sense of everything at that time..

Then, here comes the role of memory. Only when we stop trying to forget and deny the thing that happened, we could learn from the past.

When we allow ourselves to seek whatever it is stored in the memory with no anger, hatred or denial, we will be able to trace every detailed information of the event, including those we wish to forget.
Then we will be able to remember deeper, not only holding on to the good things that we want to remember.

When all the informations are gathered, the good and the bad things,  we could reconstruct the event and get better understanding of it. We'll be able to make sense of that situation.

It sure takes time for us to come to the point of releasing  the suffocating feeling of hurt, anger and hatred. And  everyone has their own time zone.
But once we reach that point, we will understand, we will accept, we will learn and we will grow stronger.

Sunday, December 10, 2017


On 4-7 December, my artwork entitled 'Insignificant' was exhibited on PENAGAMA, an annual art exhibition held at PKKH UGM by Unit Seni Rupa UGM (USER UGM). The theme of the event was  "How A Human To Be."
It was my first installation artwork.

With the help of some friends (and strangers!), I finished my work in two days and two nights. At first, I didn't intend to make the display table by myself but turned out I couldn't afford to buy the display cube or to hire a craftsman. It was so challenging for me as I have never tried to sew nor hammer ever. 

Friday, December 8, 2017

An Hour With Sri Sultan

Yesterday, I went to Kepatihan Yogyakarta. I went there with some committee of Nitilaku, an annual cultural event held by my university.
I was assigned to take some snapshots of him in a room with older committees talking about the event.

Thursday, December 7, 2017


Lenganku masih kotor
Nafasku masih kering
Dan rintihanku masih sumbang

Pelan-pelan kubasuh tubuhku dengan salju
Kupasrahkan diriku pada embun yang menyejukkan
Hingga luka yang meradang berjumpa tenang

Aku masih ingin berdiri
Aku masih ingin bersandar
Aku masih ingin bercerita

Samar-samar ia yang lama terabaikan kembali memanggil
Dengan segala upaya kulepaskan belenggu yang merantai kaki

Meninggalkan segala ingin

Wednesday, December 6, 2017

"Never forget what you are, the rest of the world will not. Wear it like armor and it can never be used to hurt you."
"Once you have accepted your flaws, no one can use them against you."

-Tyrion Lannister

No one could have hurt me if I could just remember the armor I posessed and wear it in the battle. Basically all I did this whole time was a suicide.

Inside my wall, there lay my sinful, flawed and fragile soul. The flawed self I am not yet capable to accept. My present self and my past that I am not yet able to make peace with.

"Why is it when one man builds a wall the next man immediately needs to know what is on the other side?" -Tyrion Lannister.

Thursday, November 30, 2017

I remember the time I was dead and numb. I kept wondering how it feels like to love someone or to lose them.

Wednesday, November 29, 2017

I've been carrying this as a burden that I am too weak to lift: the feeling of guilt. This mixed feeling of guilty and shame couldn't get any deeper. 

I am deeply sorry. 
For everything. For the said and the unsaid. Mostly for the things I have no courage to tell and so it all turned into more and more falsities.

I thought I was ready. I thought I have had control of all those nasty and destructive qualities. I was wrong and I know I have failed you.

But this feeling of guilt does not matter for it doesn't change anything, right? This mistake is too bad to be forgiveable and acceptable.

Sorry for this dirty hands that stained your soul. Sorry for smothering you. I am taking my hands off everything, off you.

Tuesday, November 28, 2017

29 November 2017

5 a.m.
After a sleepless night, a meal, a short story, a paper, a thesis review and a powerpoint presentation,

She emerged and left the door behind ajar. She smiled as I rose and embrace her.
I lead her to the couch and we sat side by side. There was nothing but silence filled with some tiny drops of rain making a little noise outside.
"Sorry I didn't pick up your call. I thought it was my alarm," I finally broke the silence.
She turned to me and said in her cold voice,
"Really there's no need to lie. I know you dislike a phone call."
I tried to hide my edginess by laughing but my voice was shaking.
The silence filled the air once more.
"Sorry, again." I squeezed her palm. It was cold and dry like a snowflake.
She pulled her hand and thrusted it into her trouser pocket. She pulled a lighter.
A minute later the smoke started to fill the air conditioned room we were in. It started to smothers me but I said nothing.
"Say something," she finally said, as if she could read my mind.
"Which one of it? Something you will be pleased to hear or something you need to hear?"
She sighed and put down her cigarettes. Despite the door that slightly opened, the smoke smothered me even more.