Thursday, March 2, 2017

Bukan

Bukan ketidakmampuanku untuk menyisihkan uang saku yang ingin aku keluhkan
Bukan pula ketidakmampuanku mengingat nama seorang kenalan
Apalagi kebingunganku pada daftar menu makanan restoran
Atau merk pewangi

Bukan, bukan sama sekali. 

Aku tak pandai menyulut api dan menyalakan lilin
Mereka terbahak-bahak menertawai si bodoh ini
Yang tak mau berhenti berusaha memantik
Walau harus menjerit-jerit perih

Ya, aku hampir membakar habis diriku

Ketidakmampuanku mengusir mereka yang kembalilah yang ingin aku keluhkan
Pula ketidakmampuanku untuk menjaga api dari tangan mereka
Mereka mengelilingi tubuhku yang meringkuk memeluk lilin
Tanpa ampun meniupinya, mengabaikan luka-luka bakarku

Ingin aku menjeritkan namamu

Agar kau datang dan membantuku melindungi api ini
Namun lidahku kembali kelu
Ia yang sempat fasih kini mati rasa
Setelah terakhir kali mengecap keraguan

Wednesday, March 1, 2017

Mungkin

Ia mungkin akan tersentak
Saat kelak lenganku yang kotor merangkul pundaknya
Aku hanya ingin berdiri

Ia mungkin akan berjengit
Saat kelak nafasku yang kering merambati punggungnya
Aku hanya ingin bersandar

Ia mungkin akan muak
Saat kelak rintihanku yang sumbang memekakkan telinganya
Aku hanya ingin bercerita
***

(Was written in August)

Tuesday, February 28, 2017

I Always Knew

The reassuring cracking noise of burned firewood in the furnace
The tranquilizing smell of your perfume that fills the room
The soothing atmosphere that embraces my body everytime I took my coat off
The warmth of tea that fills in the cup you're holding

I always knew where to go
Which door I should knock on
I have never forgotten my way to home
Where you always welcome me

Friday, February 17, 2017

Tengoklah cawannya!

Biarkan aku sekarat dalam hausku
Jangan pernah kau tawarkan padaku larutan buatanmu itu!
Aku sungguh akan menolak dengan keras
Menangis dan meraung memohon agar tak kautawarkan
Namun takkan sanggup kubencimu jika akhirnya pun kau tawarkanku
Akan kuteguk meski madu yang kuharapkan

Aku akan selamatkanmu dari haus
Namun tak akan kubasahi kerongkonganmu dengan larutan buatanku itu
Aku akan membenciku!
Biarlah tubuhmu meronta-ronta hebat sedikit lebih lama karena dahaga
Sampai kutemukan setetes madu di tengah padang pasir
Tempat kau berbaring menatap fatamorgana

Biarkan aku meminum sendiri larutan buatanku
Bebaskanku dari siksa dahaga dan kekeringan
Bagiku manisnya melebihi madu, aku ketagihan!
Meski sudah berkali-kali kutengok isi cawanku itu,
Bukanlah apa-apa melainkan racun di dalamnya!

Aku akan berbaring tenang setelahnya
Tak peduli luka-luka dalam yang racun itu sebabkan
Terlalu sibuk kunikmati larutanku itu
Tapi kumohon!
Jangan kau minum larutanmu itu
Tengoklah cawannya, tak ada apa pun melainkan racun.

Kusadari dalam cawan kita adalah larutan yang sama, racun yang tak kau jumpai di mana pun. Racun yang mengaliri batang pohon kepalsuan.

Friday, February 10, 2017

My dearest, help me strengthen my desperate soul and fragile heart.
Wash away all the wickednesses in my soul with the water of snow and hail.
Purify my heart with the drops of dew.
Allow me to feel the divinity that once I felt..

Thursday, February 9, 2017

Companion

I have never been alone.
Even when there's nobody, stillness is a companion.
Yes, I made friend with it.
I learned its name, Sunyi.

It was not always there during the day.
But each night, I had never miss its presence.
It embraced me so tightly in its arms until I fell asleep exhausted
From the endless struggle with the mind.

...

It was no longer a friend. It has become a soulmate.
Until one day, it came in another feature.
It had a figure and a soul.
Came more often during the day.

...

But tonight, there's something different.
It visits me again in the night after a while.
In its old feature, it comes with a new companion for me.
I learn its name, Rindu.

Sunday, January 29, 2017

Sea Water

"Why you don't want to go to the beach? do you hate sea so much?"
I don't want to see her in the eyes and let her dive deep into my withered soul. Instead, I stared at the mirror behind her. I answered as if I was talking to myself.
"No, it's not the sea that I hate. I just can't enjoy being at the beach."
As I kept staring at myself in the mirror, I just realized that my eyes were more sunken and my cheekbones was more pronounced. There wasn't just a withered soul, but a withered figure as well.
"Why? Don't you find it peaceful to have the wind upon your face and embrace you? How come a human don't enjoy the music the waves make?"

Sunday, January 15, 2017

Sadarlah, kau tidak buta. 
Kau hanya diam dalam gelap.

Sadarlah, kau tidak mati rasa. 
Kau hanya diam dalam hawa dingin yang membekukan.

Sadarlah, kau tidak tuli. 
Kau hanya diam dalam kehampaan.

Dan sadarlah! Sadar bahwa kau sama sekali tak terusik karenanya.

Sadarlah..

Terusiklah..
Jangan diam seperti batu..

Saturday, January 14, 2017

Hesitation


Will you run away?
Will I run away?
....
Will you run away?
No. I won't. Never.
Are you sure you won't?
....
Will you run away?
What do you want to hear?
Nothing. I want to hear nothing.
Then why do you keep asking?
....
Will you run away?
I can't promise you any words.
Why? You once answered me you won't.
Because I found hesitation in all your questions.
That's because I found hesitation in all your answers.